if i can run in heels then i can drive
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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