Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
