This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
