sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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