It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize