I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
