we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize