I wish I could teleport
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I party with great urgency now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
