First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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