Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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