If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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