I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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