I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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