I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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