Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
