i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
