This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
