I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
