I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this just has baby written all over it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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