woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
