Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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