It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
