Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
