His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
