He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
