i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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