please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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