Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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