i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
