do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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