nut hugger
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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