I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
