i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Those nachos came to me in a dream
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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