The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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