I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
