Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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