God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
