Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
