Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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