so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
