Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
