Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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