I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
