I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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