I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
