I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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