A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
