do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
