If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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