You just made me feel so damn special
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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