peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
