We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
