I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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