I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
