I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's shark week go big or go home
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
